willing victim

           I'm still having a good relationship with my bf.  It goes deeper and deeper but I seem to be the only one aware of how intense it's becoming.  My bf is only aware of his desire and need, which I must admit, I am encouraging.  It's impossible for me to go this deep without stimulating my own desires and needs.  But I have spent my life disciplining myself so that I don't become a victim to them.  And I am aware of the fact that I can make him a victim to his lust if I so choose, but I don't betray people for liking and needing me.      So I am keeping this relationship on as high a level as I possibly can as I fight my own attachment to the situation.  Because once I get attached, I know he will bring this relationship down into the mud.  Every so often, as we go deeper and deeper, I see his soul through the distorted glass of his personality and I look upon the smiling face of God.

   I find myself in a strange place.  I did materialize unconditional love in the form of a guy I knew before.  Unfortunately he is very unstable and he has no awareness of what he is doing.  At the moment, his unconditional love is motivated by lust, which is not very sustainable. Also his father has control of his mind at an unconscious level and when he tries to satisfy his lust with me the part of his mind under his fathers' control goes crazy.        But I did give into his desire for sex and he didn't go crazy.  At a very deep spiritual level, way deeper than his conscious awareness, he knows that he needs me.  And so is trying very hard not to be an asshole.  As for me, I find myself enjoying the fact that my female persona is needed so badly and that I am giving him the female attention he so desperately needs.  I did start seeing a t-girl from my past who I had had a very deep relationship with.  She wanted to try it again so I told her I would but I have a boy fr

On my journey to find unconditional love, I've had many distractions and here is another one.  This guy came to me and said how he liked romancing fembois.  So I figured this was something I could get into.  We danced and chatted and discovered we both were interested in deep long term virtual relationships.  So we started seeing each other everyday and cuddled and danced and chatted.  Then I figured we could play video games together because that always gets me excited.       Well he wouldn't give me his address so I could send him an extra playstation I have.  I figured the reason he was so hesitant about me entering his real life was because he felt guilty about his involvement with me.  I pretty much know where this kind of thinking leads.  Eventually he can't stand the guilt and breaks off the relationship and leaves me feeling like I'm the pervert so he can feel better about himself.  I only had to play that game once to know I didn't want to p

  Willing Victim I live and work on this dairy farm in Pennsylvania with my mom and step dad. Mostly my step dad is more a guru to me than a parent and over the years we have attained a high level of conscious awareness together. My biological father, however, is having his mental problems and mostly I go and live with him to help him out mentally as well as do a little work on the horse farm he owns in Massachusetts. This winter my bio father and I got into an argument and I left the ranch and found an apartment and started doing some part time work at McDonalds to make ends meet. Now I’m a very spiritual person and spend a lot of time meditating. Even at the best of times I don’t have a lot of attachment to the material world or what most people call the real world. Then one day I found I couldn’t break my “trance like” meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real wo