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Showing posts from June, 2020

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 8

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      Well things have taken a turn for the better in my quest for unconditional love.  I figured out that when a control freak gets control of your mind he/she is mostly interested in control over sex and money.  Now this guy I met on second life who lusts after me but goes crazy when we do have sex has lost his virtual penis and doesn't know enough about second life to replace it.  He wants me to gift him another penis but I know if I do the lust will take over and end our unconditional love condition.  So I told him to buy his own penis but he doesn't seem to be allowed to spend money because of his fathers' brainwashing.  So yesterday we made love and he didn't go all crazy on me.   In fact the relationship got better.  He is starting to enjoy just being with me and cuddling without having to pressure me into sex.  I guess when you don't have a penis, you have to use your brain to think with instead of your dick. lol

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 7

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     Well I did materialize unconditional love in the form of a guy I knew before.  Unfortunately he is very unstable and he has no awareness of what he is doing.  At the moment, his unconditional love is motivated by lust, which is not very sustainable. Also his father has control of his mind at an unconscious level and when he tries to satisfy his lust with me the part of his mind under his fathers' control goes crazy.    So I'm not sure how this is going to work out.  But I am less attached to the unconditional love experience I had which started this desire.  And I've learned that non attachment can be a very powerful state of mind.   So I'll continue down this path of finding unconditional love and see how it turns out.                                               

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 6

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     Lately I've been expressing the male side of my gender fluidness.  I'm more comfortable with being on the female end of my gender fluid spectrum, but I tend to get attached to my female persona and through this attachment experience pain.  I tend to express unconditional love as a female and since the world is mostly filled with low level people who use other people, I need to leave my femaleness and start moving along my gender fluid spectrum toward my male persona.     As I become more male I start to put conditions on my love and it takes great effort and discipline to leave my female role behind and experience the loneliness that comes from being a femboy.  But with this loneliness comes the power to materialize, which is often what I need to make my life meaningful.

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 5

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  The idea of finding unconditional love rides my consciousness like a parrot sitting on my shoulder.  The person who I experienced it with is now just a reminder of how this experience felt.  I find I now get less attached to the distractions I create or which find me and my physical world gets more harmonious.  Still it takes work, focus and discipline to maintain this level of conscious awareness.  But I know if I come out of the rabbit hole now, I will become a victim to the illusions everyone around me has fallen prey to.   There is also the awareness of being engaged in a game with someone who is powerful, yes, but very unaware.  Already he has made some very bad moves and only the fact that the culture supports his illusions keeps him from becoming a victim himself.  Soo once again I am up against a cultural illusion which is willing to sacrifice a limitless number of victims to keep it's illusions in tact.     Usually I find a game like this not worth playing, but in this c

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 4

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The reason why unconditional love is so hard to find is due to the fact that there are so many control freaks in our society.  Especially when you need to make a living you seem to be at the mercy of the biggest asshole around.  But it is possible to live your life the way you want to and not play these victim/victimizing games.  If you can beat the control freaks at their own game, then you are capable of love.  Then finding someone to love you back becomes the problem.   One thing about control freaks is that they all believe it is impossible to beat the system, so they always underestimate your power.  But if you can survive their attempt to victimize you and you have a desire to continue the game, for whatever reason, you can stop them from victimizing anyone else.  This is work for you but very good for your spiritual life.  Eventually if a control freak can't materialize victims, he or she becomes a victim themselves.   When this happens you release his or her victims and the

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 3

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On my journey to find unconditional love, I've had many distractions and here is another one.  This guy came to me and said how he liked romancing fembois.  So I figured this was something I could get into.  We danced and chatted and discovered we both were interested in deep long term virtual relationships.  So we started seeing each other everyday and cuddled and danced and chatted.  Then I figured we could play video games together because that always gets me excited.   Well he wouldn't give me his address so I could send him an extra playstation I have.  I figured the reason he was so hesitant about me entering his real life was because he felt guilty about his involvement with me.  I pretty much know where this kind of thinking leads.  Eventually he can't stand the guilt and breaks off the relationship and leaves me feeling like I'm the pervert so he can feel better about himself.  I only had to play that game once to know I didn't want to play it again, so I s

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 2

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I'm still dealing with this unconditional love idea while being distracted by the low level thinking all around me.  One guy who I have known for years has discovered sex on second life and now wants to relate to me only in this way.  He is addicted to sex in the real world and is now finding out the girl he is addicted to is using sex to control him.  And so I have become his virtual default sex partner.  I go along with it but only because I have known him for so long and find him amusing.   Then another guy who I had been friends with on second life for a long while messages me and wants me to join him in his apartment.  I haven't seen him in a long time so I know there is a reason why we stopped having contact but I couldn't remember what it was.  So I get him to come dance with me and then after awhile he wanted me to go back to his apartment.  Then we started to cuddle and he got heavy into wanting sex until I had to log out to be rid of him.  He again messaged me the

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness

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Sometimes I look like this and other times I look like this: But I’m always the same person inside. Lately I’ve been dealing with unconditional love.  Now this is exactly how Christ managed to get Himself crucified.  And the world is still ready to crucify anyone who practices it.  So needless to say you don’t see much of it around.  But I did happen to find someone who was practicing unconditional love and I did experience it.  And let me tell you it was very sweet.  Now I had no choice but to return the love, maybe not unconditionally, but nevertheless I did love her back. I did question the fact that she didn’t seem that aware and yet was able to love unconditionally in this physical world without being martyred.   As it turned out, she was controlled by a guy who was into the dark side of metaphysics.  He would feed off of her and whoever loved her back and just materialize new victims before he drained her dry.  She actuall

Spirituality and Gender Fluidness

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  A lot has been happening as my gender fluidness meshes with my spirituality.  Because of my femboi profile on second life I was invited to join a group by a guy who put together an amazing site.  He gave me a tour of his place and then we had sex together at a party with all his friends watching.  For some reason I went along with this because there was something about him that was interesting.  After we had sex he told me he wasn't going to do this with me again because he has a girl friend.  Well I thought he should have avoided the whole sex thingy right from the beginning if this is how he felt.  But I did go to another party with his girl friend present where there was more sex scenes but I didn't participate and found the party very boring.  The next day his girl friend contacted me and she helped me get a much more female avatar and became my friend.   Even though she is a biological straight female and didn't understand my need to feminize myself, she accept