willing victim

 

 

 

 

        It's difficult to figure out what my virtual life is all about.  Part of it is of course sexual, but sex isn't the most important part.  It's just a vehicle I use to have deep relationships with the people I meet.  Once the relationship is established then the other person, ALWAYS tries to use me in one way or another.       But I have been dealing with this condition all my life in my material world and have come to a point where I don't get hurt or used anymore.  Soo I carry this awareness into my virtual life and find that anyone I relate deeply with who is toxic to me gets attacked by my spiritual immune system.            In other words, they get to eat their own karma instead of passing it down to me.

    OMG I've been going through changes!  First off I broke up with my bf because he was starting to take me for granted.  I stopped seeing him for a week, hoping to change his religion and he did squeal like a pig for the whole week that I didn't see him.  Then I got in touch with him and he told me not to ever ignore him again like I did the past week and I stopped seeing him again.  I think this time it is really over.   Anyways I am in contact with a guy who carries a gun to work.   He works for an agency that protects the rich and powerful from their own karma.  Then he comes on second life to unload this bad karma to anyone who opens up to him.  But we've come to really like each other and I am reluctant to force him to eat his lethal karma and I hope he is hesitant to pass it on down to me.  So we only see each other occasionally and don't fuck.   So I continue on my journey to find unconditional love.  It is very illusive. 

     Lately I've been posting pictures like the one above and have been getting banned from a few sites because of pictures like this.  I don't get thrown off of this site because nobody sees my posts here.  Although I did get one nasty comment even here where I only got two comments from my posts all together.      But I'm not surprised by my lack of popularity or even the hostility I engender because even though 99% of the world thinks a certain way, it is all illusion.  And living a lie is living in pain.  I actually got to the light at the end of my dark tunnel and looked back and found everyone was still wandering around in the dark.    I think everyone justifies their bad choices in life because they think there is no alternative.  But I'm here to say there is a way out and this is why I piss people off.

     Today my virtual straight bf is watching football so I told him I wanted all his attention or none, so we won't be seeing each other today.  Otherwise the relationship is still going strong.  The other day I danced with a guy I met years ago when I let guys think I was female in real life.   I stopped pretending to be female because all the guys I met used me for sex and I couldn't drop my female persona fast enough to avoid feeling like a slut.  When I met the guy I danced with the other day, I was coming on as a real female, so through the years he still believes I am.  He has a girl friend in real life that he has sex with and likes to talk about her with me.    He was telling me that she has a boy friend now and he has to be careful that the bf doesn't show up while he is having sex with her.  I guess it's true that the physical world is all about attachment.

    My virtual relationship with my straight bf has been going on for about a month now.  We see each other everyday and there is a lot of sex involved.  Sometimes I get off and sometimes I just do it for him.  I find his need for my female persona keeps getting stronger and stronger causing my girl self to become more real.        He does keep me a secret from his real world and seems to tell himself he is only role playing with me.  I really don't care what he calls it, for me the reality is his ever increasing need for me.  I guess I am also developing a need for him, but I am aware of it and try not to let it become an attachment.

           I'm still having a good relationship with my bf.  It goes deeper and deeper but I seem to be the only one aware of how intense it's becoming.  My bf is only aware of his desire and need, which I must admit, I am encouraging.  It's impossible for me to go this deep without stimulating my own desires and needs.  But I have spent my life disciplining myself so that I don't become a victim to them.  And I am aware of the fact that I can make him a victim to his lust if I so choose, but I don't betray people for liking and needing me.      So I am keeping this relationship on as high a level as I possibly can as I fight my own attachment to the situation.  Because once I get attached, I know he will bring this relationship down into the mud.  Every so often, as we go deeper and deeper, I see his soul through the distorted glass of his personality and I look upon the smiling face of God.

   I find myself in a strange place.  I did materialize unconditional love in the form of a guy I knew before.  Unfortunately he is very unstable and he has no awareness of what he is doing.  At the moment, his unconditional love is motivated by lust, which is not very sustainable. Also his father has control of his mind at an unconscious level and when he tries to satisfy his lust with me the part of his mind under his fathers' control goes crazy.        But I did give into his desire for sex and he didn't go crazy.  At a very deep spiritual level, way deeper than his conscious awareness, he knows that he needs me.  And so is trying very hard not to be an asshole.  As for me, I find myself enjoying the fact that my female persona is needed so badly and that I am giving him the female attention he so desperately needs.  I did start seeing a t-girl from my past who I had had a very deep relationship with.  She wanted to try it again so I told her I would but I have a boy fr

On my journey to find unconditional love, I've had many distractions and here is another one.  This guy came to me and said how he liked romancing fembois.  So I figured this was something I could get into.  We danced and chatted and discovered we both were interested in deep long term virtual relationships.  So we started seeing each other everyday and cuddled and danced and chatted.  Then I figured we could play video games together because that always gets me excited.       Well he wouldn't give me his address so I could send him an extra playstation I have.  I figured the reason he was so hesitant about me entering his real life was because he felt guilty about his involvement with me.  I pretty much know where this kind of thinking leads.  Eventually he can't stand the guilt and breaks off the relationship and leaves me feeling like I'm the pervert so he can feel better about himself.  I only had to play that game once to know I didn't want to p

  Willing Victim I live and work on this dairy farm in Pennsylvania with my mom and step dad. Mostly my step dad is more a guru to me than a parent and over the years we have attained a high level of conscious awareness together. My biological father, however, is having his mental problems and mostly I go and live with him to help him out mentally as well as do a little work on the horse farm he owns in Massachusetts. This winter my bio father and I got into an argument and I left the ranch and found an apartment and started doing some part time work at McDonalds to make ends meet. Now I’m a very spiritual person and spend a lot of time meditating. Even at the best of times I don’t have a lot of attachment to the material world or what most people call the real world. Then one day I found I couldn’t break my “trance like” meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real wo