In the Rabbit Hole

 


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Being Gender Fluid

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 I live and work on this dairy farm in Pennsylvania with my mom and step dad. Mostly my step dad is more a guru to me than a parent and over the years we have attained a high level of conscious awareness together.  My biological father, however, is having his mental problems and mostly I go and live with him to help him out mentally as well as do a little work on the horse farm he owns in Massachusetts.  As you can see from the picture below of me taking a bath, I can easily pass for a girl even if biologically I am a boy.  The fact that I swing from looking more male some days or more female some other days causes my physical world no end of trouble. My mom worries a lot about how the world will react to me and feels I could meet people who get angry at my gender fluidness.  At first I didn't understand her concern but after going out in the world without adhering to my assigned gender role, I did encounter some angry people who would have hurt me if they c...
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Linear Thinking

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  We all strive to think linearly because without linear thinking we would be unable to relate to the rest of the world.  But linear thinking doesn't take us where we need to go. At some point linear thinking will take us to the edge of a cliff and tell us if we go any farther we will fall and be broken on the rocks below.  Non linear thinking tells us we can fly to the other side of the chasm. But there is a certain level of awareness that has to be attained before you are able to fly to the other side.  Your karma must be positive.    This means you must eat your own karma instead of passing it on to anyone who opens up to you.  And of course, doing good deeds to your fellow man or girl helps alot. Everyone believes non linear thinking is a mental illness and for the most part it is.  Unless you pay the price of awareness, the world will chew you up and spit you out. So we all pick a reality to believe in and and fight to maintain it when we enc...
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The Mental Challenges of a Girly Boy

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  Being raised as a boy but developing female body changes at puberty makes for a very difficult mental condition.  Sometimes I present as a boy who dresses as a girl and other times I present as a girl who hides the fact that there is a penis in my panties. I like to form deep relationships with straight guys, which is kind of a naughty gurly thing to do.  The guys enjoy the deep relationship as much as I do and you would think we would just be happy with our intense relationship.  But something weird always happens.  After enjoying each other's company for a long period of time, they start to question my gender. Once this happens there is no going back.  The relationship comes to an end and he goes back to being alone and unhappy again.  And I found this circumstance to happen over and over again with every straight guy I have had a deep relationship with. So I would start presenting as an effeminate boy to avoid the drama of relating to straight guy...
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