willing victim

There was a point in my life where death rode on my conscious awareness like a parrot sitting on my shoulder.   I was aware enough to know not to push death away or embrace her, but nevertheless I knew I wasn't long for this world without an ego.   I had very few material processions and no contact with any people.   Then one day I was walking down the road and saw a person I used to work with at a near by chicken hatchery.   He was also into spirituality and we became friends but lost contact with each other when we stopped working at the hatchery.   It had been over a year since I last had contact with him so it was a happy reunion when I crossed the lawn he was mowing and we renewed our friendship. He invited me to the place where he was living with his wife and I went there a few times to drink a little alcohol and smoke some weed. On these occasions I met his wife, who I thought was very lovely.       We didn't spend much time toge...

I've been seeing a guy on second life who I like being with and he likes being with me. Unfortunately his world has lots of stuff in it so there isn't much time or room for me. Nevertheless we seem to need to see each other and when we do it's like fireworks unless one of his girl friends are around. Then I act very withdrawn and he acts very formal. But it is an effort on my part and it seems to be the same for him, to keep our distances and put up appearances. Since I love without attachment, I should be able to handle this little game. Relationships, for me, always seem to end up badly, no matter what I do, maybe this time will be different.

  I've been having a few deep relationships that don't last very long.  The people who I have been relating to seem to think there are more important things to do than to hold up their end of a relationship with me.  This is where my awareness comes into play.  I am very aware that the only reality is love and so when you reject a loving relationship for something else, you are standing on illusion.  And so I guess I become a witness to the illusion these people call their lives. Now it only takes one witness to break through this illusion and bring the emptiness of their lives to conscious awareness.  Maybe that is why I am here.

   I realize anytime anyone steps over the boundary lines our culture has set up for us to follow, life becomes very difficult.  Most of us spend our lives trying to stay within these boundary lines and become a cog in society's wheel, which doesn't seem to bring any kind of happiness or contentment but it is the path of least resistance.  If, for whatever reason, you decide there is more to life than being part of the cultural machine and follow a different path, like being gender fluid, you will need to turn your attention inward to find a reality you can live with.    Even though in your heart you know you are a worthwhile person who deserves respect, the culture will drag you to the surface and tell you that you are sick and need help or become angry with you and sometimes even violent.  This situation can go on for years and for some it never ends.  For me it did end and with the help of my step-dad, who is a guru to me, I am able to expre...

I had a few insights into my Pivotal Times post which I want to write down so I don’t forget them.  This helps to drag my intellect along the path to my enlightenment.  First off, I mentioned having the flu after buying the mules, but part of my insight is the fact that it seems I had the virus that we are all very concerned about these days.  That was two years ago at exactly this time of year.  I had a very good season with the mules both working them and riding one of them with my mom.  But over the winter, I didn’t use them much except a couple of times when the snow was just right and I was able to use them in my wagon-sled.  Those were fun times and they did very well for me.  I finally got around to using the mules to get firewood that my step-dad had cut and split over the winter, yesterday. It was almost two months since the sled ride and when I took the reins and locked into their minds, I felt the mind of my one mare mule, in ...

   My latest deep relationship on second life has some interesting aspects to it.  First of all I was dancing at a new place, for me, on second life when a guy showed up and asked to dance with me.  We danced and had a great time together and became friends.  We met everyday after that, at a place he rented for us, for at least a month.  He was breaking up with his wife and was planing to move out and find an apartment for himself in real life.  This situation was causing him a lot of pain and I know seeing me helped him deal with the pain.  The relationship kept getting deeper and deeper to the point where we had a virtual sexual experience.  After that I noticed he was distracted when he was with me and then one day he was voice chatting with woman when I came on line with him.  I had to ask who it was and found out it was the wife who was divorcing him.  I figure she could sense there was another woman in his life and he told ...

Pivotal Times in our Lives It seems to me that mostly we don’t examine the circumstances of our lives very deeply.  We know our circumstances bring us pleasure and pain, stress and fulfillment, health and sickness.  But the question of how these circumstances come to us usually goes unanswered.  We tend to assume chance and luck play a major role and sometimes our efforts pay off positively and sometimes they don’t depending on chance and luck.  So we buy insurance to fortify our mental stability for the pivotal times, that we know, are going to come. I don’t buy this way of thinking.  I believe everything and everyone you see in your world; you materialized with your mind or at least have given your consent to that circumstance and its consequences.  I’ve recently went through a life altering set of experiences which drove me further inside myself for answers.  Most everyone could benefit  from a little more introspection, but for me...