willing victim

Pivotal Times in our Lives It seems to me that mostly we don’t examine the circumstances of our lives very deeply.  We know our circumstances bring us pleasure and pain, stress and fulfillment, health and sickness.  But the question of how these circumstances come to us usually goes unanswered.  We tend to assume chance and luck play a major role and sometimes our efforts pay off positively and sometimes they don’t depending on chance and luck.  So we buy insurance to fortify our mental stability for the pivotal times, that we know, are going to come. I don’t buy this way of thinking.  I believe everything and everyone you see in your world; you materialized with your mind or at least have given your consent to that circumstance and its consequences.  I’ve recently went through a life altering set of experiences which drove me further inside myself for answers.  Most everyone could benefit  from a little more introspection, but for me...

  This is my new outfit for today.   I go more for cute rather than sexy but this outfit is a little of both.  I'm still dealing with my latest deep relationship.  He read a part of my autobiography and was able to understand what I was trying to say in it better than anyone else who read it.  It's very boring for intellects and egos.  It has to be read at a deep level to get the meaning of it and it seems, even though he is an intellectual, he is able to relate on a deeper level.  Soo I feel I have to be very careful with this relationship and above anything else, I have to be careful of attachment.

  Lately I've been staying at my female end of the gender fluid spectrum.  This happens when I meet a guy who needs to relate to a female.  The guy I am involved with now isn't even on second life, I met him on another social network.  Usually I can't get as deep into the relationship as I would like on an intellectual network but with this guy it got deep fast and is still deep.  I tend to come on second life as more of a female now that I am relating deeply as one.   Anyway he has a need to relate deeply for whatever reason.  I suspect his reasons are not symbiotic.  There is a dark element to this relationship which I must admit, I find very interesting.  It's certainly more interesting than most of the guys I meet here on second life who want to use me for sex.

  I've come to the conclusion that keeping my gender fluid experiences to only second life and not the physical world is a step in the right direction toward enlightenment.  I've already had many intense experiences being gender fluid on second life without the attachment that dealing with the material world always requires.  I started being on second life for the fun of it.  Unfortunately, after meeting the people on here, I became aware of all the emotional work that is needed just to maintain my level of conscious awareness.  So I stopped reaching out with my ego and intellect and only play games with the people I meet when it is their intellect or ego who makes the first move.  Then it's just a matter of perfect timing as to when I need to take out the sword of truth and evaporate the illusion in front of me which is trying to hurt me.

  Here I am getting older and still gender fluid.  I don't have a lot of contact with the world outside the farm.  My friends are mostly animals and my step dad is my guru.  Even my mom has lost her awareness of who I really am.  But my step dad only sees my spiritual being and really doesn't care what clothes I wear or how I look on the outside.  He knows when I look like the picture on top of this blog, that I will draw the attention of the world upon myself and cause drama and pain all around.  But he is also aware of my higher level of conscious awareness that comes when I dress like this.  He feels I shouldn't need this crutch but believes I have to find my own way to enlightenment.    I find that the world loves to play winner/loser games and make one of the players a victim who eats all the bad karma of the rest of the players.  Of course I am always the victim but instead of eating the groups bad karma, everyone in the g...

  I'm a little older now and fast approaching puberty.  I live and work on my parents' dairy farm and mostly wear boy clothes with short hair.  But when given the chance I like wearing dresses even though now I look like a boy in a dress instead of a young girl. As I said in my, "Seed of God" blog, my condition forced me to look inside myself for answers to my gender problem and I have become a spiritual person seeking enlightenment from the terrors of this world.  Fortunately my step dad who runs our dairy farm is an enlightened being and is helping me accept the reality of my situation.  And I find the reality I am dealing with is the fact that I am a boy who likes to wear dresses and act like a girl when not working on the farm.    Since I cut my hair and admitted to being a boy, school has turned into a hell hole.  My girlfriends have all deserted me and tease me almost as much as the boys.  But I figure the answer to my gender proble...

  This is my sister and me.  I was born a boy but for some reason, I'm not very sure of, I was brought up as a girl.  For most of my life it didn't seem to be a big deal to me.  However I'm old enough now to understand there is a difference between boys and girls and most everyone I know gets upset when a boy looks like a girl.  Not that many people know I am a boy.  I know enough to not let anyone know if I can help it.  At school everyone calls me Denise and I hang out with other girls during recess and at lunch I am one of the girls too.    Maybe I should just let my life go on as it is. I am aware of what is happening to other boys who aren't much older than I am and am afraid my secret is not going to be a secret much longer.  I finally asked my mother about my little problem and she just said don't worry about it.  I guess the real problem is that I don't want to be a boy, I would like it better if I could just stay a gir...

I was asked to write this story. Bringing it to the surface like this is not something I would do on my own. But as long as I do it without attachment, it shouldn’t cause me any difficulty. My father loved me and my mother. This is where I first learned about love and loved both my mother and father back in turn. I was young when my father died of a heart attack. I went to the hospital and saw him just before he passed away. The last thing he said was,”take care of your mother.” I left the room and cried into my mother’s arms. But I could tell she wasn’t crying nor seemed to be all that upset. Later I found out that the fact he died while still on the job as a policeman, set my mother up for life, financially. At the time I didn’t think much about it until I got older and realized she would do anything for money and loving her was a good way to wind up dead like my father. I guess this awareness is what set me upon my spiritual path which I hoped would save me from being ...