Spirituality and Gender Fluidness 1-4

  A lot has been happening as my gender fluidness meshes with my spirituality.  Because of my femboi profile on second life I was invited to join a group by a guy who put together an amazing site.  He gave me a tour of his place and then we had sex together at a party with all his friends watching.  For some reason I went along with this because there was something about him that was interesting.  After we had sex he told me he wasn't going to do this with me again because he has a girl friend.  Well I thought he should have avoided the whole sex thingy right from the beginning if this is how he felt.  But I did go to another party with his girl friend present where there was more sex scenes but I didn't participate and found the party very boring.  The next day his girl friend contacted me and she helped me get a much more female avatar and became my friend.

  Even though she is a biological straight female and didn't understand my need to feminize myself, she accepted me and treated me like one of her girl friends.  We even had a few sexual experiences together with her boy friend who now seemed to be my friend also.  I guess I must have fallen in love with her because I started to resent the fact that she also loved her boy friend who I could tell didn't love her back.  And as our relationship got deeper, the boy friend tried to feed off of our love for each other and she went along with his need to feed off of us.

  At this point I had to set her free and there was a lot of drama but in the end I stopped relating to her.  And this is how it stands at the moment, but since love is the only reality, I expect the illusions which are keeping us apart will dissolve and we will eventually get back in touch with each other.

                                                           Chapter 1

 

Sometimes I look like this and other times I look like this:

But I’m always the same person inside.

Lately I’ve been dealing with unconditional love.  Now this is exactly how Christ managed to get Himself crucified.  And the world is still ready to crucify anyone who practices it.  So needless to say you don’t see much of it around.  But I did happen to find someone who was practicing unconditional love and I did experience it.  And let me tell you it was very sweet.  Now I had no choice but to return the love, maybe not unconditionally, but nevertheless I did love her back.

I did question the fact that she didn’t seem that aware and yet was able to love unconditionally in this physical world without being martyred.   As it turned out, she was controlled by a guy who was into the dark side of metaphysics.  He would feed off of her and whoever loved her back and just materialize new victims before he drained her dry.  She actually was dying of the virus when I caught up with her but with the help of my love was able to survive it.

Anyways her so called boy friend started to feed off of me and since I don’t love unconditionally and this is a condition I do not tolerate, I had to let go of this unconditional love.  Maybe it’s for the best because I don’t think I am capable of overcoming all the bad karma she could bring into my life through her unconditional love.

                                                                  Chapter 2

I'm still dealing with this unconditional love idea while being distracted by the low level thinking all around me.  One guy who I have known for years has discovered sex on second life and now wants to relate to me only in this way.  He is addicted to sex in the real world and is now finding out the girl he is addicted to is using sex to control him.  And so I have become his virtual default sex partner.  I go along with it but only because I have known him for so long and find him amusing.

  Then another guy who I had been friends with on second life for a long while messages me and wants me to join him in his apartment.  I haven't seen him in a long time so I know there is a reason why we stopped having contact but I couldn't remember what it was.  So I get him to come dance with me and then after awhile he wanted me to go back to his apartment.  Then we started to cuddle and he got heavy into wanting sex until I had to log out to be rid of him.  He again messaged me the next day but I told him it was no fun for me to have to keep fighting him off.  So he deleted me and said he hopes I get fucked by some fat hairy guy.

  Anyway now that I have experienced unconditional love, I know it's out there and am eventually going to materialize it again.

                                                              Chapter 3

On my journey to find unconditional love, I've had many distractions and here is another one.  This guy came to me and said how he liked romancing fembois.  So I figured this was something I could get into.  We danced and chatted and discovered we both were interested in deep long term virtual relationships.  So we started seeing each other everyday and cuddled and danced and chatted.  Then I figured we could play video games together because that always gets me excited.

  Well he wouldn't give me his address so I could send him an extra playstation I have.  I figured the reason he was so hesitant about me entering his real life was because he felt guilty about his involvement with me.  I pretty much know where this kind of thinking leads.  Eventually he can't stand the guilt and breaks off the relationship and leaves me feeling like I'm the pervert so he can feel better about himself.  I only had to play that game once to know I didn't want to play it again, so I stopped seeing him and continued on my journey to find unconditional love.

                                                          Chapter 4

The reason why unconditional love is so hard to find is due to the fact that there are so many control freaks in our society.  Especially when you need to make a living you seem to be at the mercy of the biggest asshole around.  But it is possible to live your life the way you want to and not play these victim/victimizing games.  If you can beat the control freaks at their own game, then you are capable of love.  Then finding someone to love you back becomes the problem.

  One thing about control freaks is that they all believe it is impossible to beat the system, so they always underestimate your power.  But if you can survive their attempt to victimize you and you have a desire to continue the game, for whatever reason, you can stop them from victimizing anyone else.  This is work for you but very good for your spiritual life.  Eventually if a control freak can't materialize victims, he or she becomes a victim themselves.

  When this happens you release his or her victims and the released victims have a chance to love you back.