To get a little back ground on this story, it might be helpful to read my, "Being Gender Fluid" story.
A lot has been happening as my gender fluidness meshes with my
spirituality. Because of my femboi profile on second life I was invited
to join a group by a guy who put together an amazing site. He gave me a
tour of his place and then we had sex together at a party with all his
friends watching. For some reason I went along with this because there
was something about him that was interesting. After we had sex he told
me he wasn't going to do this with me again because he has a girl
friend. Well I thought he should have avoided the whole sex thingy
right from the beginning if this is how he felt. But I did go to
another party with his girl friend present where there was more sex
scenes but I didn't participate and found the party very boring. The
next day, however, his girl friend contacted me and she helped me get a much more
female avatar and became my friend.
Sometimes I look like this
and other times I look like this:
But I’m always the same person inside.
Lately I’ve been looking for unconditional love. Now this is
exactly how Christ managed to get Himself crucified. And the world is
still ready to crucify anyone who practices it. So needless to say you
don’t see much of it around. But the girl friend, of the guy I had sex with, was
practicing unconditional love and I did experience it. And let me tell
you it was very sweet. Now I had no choice but to return the love,
maybe not unconditionally, but nevertheless I did love her back.
I did question the fact that she didn’t seem very aware and yet was
able to love unconditionally in this physical world without being
martyred. As it turned out, she was controlled by her bf who was into
the dark side of metaphysics. He would feed off of her and whoever
loved her back and just materialize new victims before he drained her
dry. She actually was dying of the virus when I caught up with her but
with the help of my love was able to survive it.
Even though she is a biological straight female and didn't understand
my need to feminize myself, she accepted me and treated me like one of
her girl friends. We even had a few sexual experiences together with
her boy friend who now seemed to be my friend also. I guess I must have
fallen in love with her because I started to resent the fact that she
also loved her boy friend who I could tell didn't love her back. And as
our relationship got deeper, the boy friend tried to feed off of our
love for each other and she went along with his need to feed off of us.
Anyways, I
don’t love unconditionally and this is a condition I do not tolerate and I
had to let go of this unconditional love. Maybe it’s for the best
because I don’t think I am capable of overcoming all the bad karma she
could bring into my life through her unconditional love.
At this point I had to set her free and there was a lot of drama but
in the end I stopped relating to her. And this is how it stands at the
moment, but since love is the only reality, I expect the illusions which
are keeping us apart will dissolve and we will eventually get back in
touch with each other. But I came to realize this is exactly what I have been looking for, unconditional love. Her love for me was unconditional except for the part where she could only give unconditional love with her bf's consent. So I started on my journey to find unconditional love without any conditions.
As I search for unconditional love, I keep being distracted
by the low level thinking all around me. One guy who I have known for
years has discovered sex on second life and now wants to relate to me
only in this way. He is addicted to sex in the real world and is now
finding out the girl he is addicted to is using sex to control him. And
so I have become his virtual default sex partner. I go along with it
but only because I have known him for so long and find him amusing.
Then another guy who I had been friends with on second life for a long
while messages me and wants me to join him in his apartment. I haven't
seen him in a long time so I know there is a reason why we stopped
having contact but I couldn't remember what it was. So I get him to
come dance with me and then after awhile he wanted me to go back to his
apartment. Then we started to cuddle and he got heavy into wanting sex
until I had to log out to be rid of him. He again messaged me the next
day but I told him it was no fun for me to have to keep fighting him
off. So he deleted me and said he hopes I get fucked by some fat hairy
guy.
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